Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Sad (as in pathetic, not sorrowful) news day

Today the news seemed thick with headlines that weren’t really news.
“Canadian jailed in Mexico claims ‘torture and abuse’”
Really? There’s abuse and torture in Mexican prisons? It’s a good thing I read the news sitting down, or the surprise might have knocked me on my ass. Yes, I understand that this particular man has a right to have his story heard, but I guarantee the reporters would have NO trouble finding thousands of Mexican ex-cons who would shrug and say “It’s a Mexican prison; what’d you expect? Cable TV?”
“Testosterone makes us less cooperative”
Wow, I would never have guessed this from the way two idiot males will beat their chests and engage in primitive dominance behaviour. If this is the kind of breakthrough that scientists are working toward, maybe they should redirect their focus. Of course, maybe the testosterone is making it hard for them to cooperate… (Yay for female scientists! Lacking the male amount of testosterone poisoning, they can work as a group!)
“Pairing masks and hand washing could drastically slow spread of a pandemic flu”
You mean cleanliness and not spitting onto other people reduces infection? The hell you say! Another notification from ScienceDaily. It must be a slow science day or something. Note that even this “duh” statement only says “could” rather than “would.” Talk about cautious.
“NATO prediction of Taliban victory in Afghanistan is immensely damaging”
Another stunner. So, basically, the group fighting the Taliban claims that if the Taliban wins, it would be bad. Quite the declaration, there, boys. I guess we can’t expect NATO to say “Meh. It wouldn’t be so bad.” Would sort of undermine the whole point of their presence. Still, hearing one combatant claim that the other one is really bad is not precisely news, in my opinion.
“Pakistan dismisses Taliban links”
Well, of course they do. What country doesn’t deny all the bad stuff? Pakistan denied hiding Bin Laden, for pity’s sake, even though that dude had a whole compound operating within shouting distance of a military academy! You think all of a sudden they’re going to scuff their toe, grin sheepishly, and say “Aaaahhh, you got us!” Wake up, people!
Five non-news headlines, and I’ve only spent ten minutes looking. I should get a job as a news editor. What about these?
“Gulf between parent and child grows as child reaches adolescence!”
“Politicians say the economy is strong in spite of recent setbacks!”
“Bloggers waste not only their own time, but the time of others!”

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