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Friday, February 25, 2011

Superman's a knob

He’s not a hero. Far from it. While he could never be accused of outright villainy, he’s certainly an expert in selfishness.
Think about it. Superman has the power to bench press the moon, zip around the planet at the speed of light, and is invulnerable to everything except pieces of a very rare rock. With all of this nearly limitless power, what does he do? What great wrongs does he right, what terrible crimes does he prevent?
First, he pisses away eight to ten hours every day pretending to be a mild-mannered reporter. Why? Just to be close to some pushy woman who would never give him the time of day if he weren’t Superman... which he is, so just tell her, have your sex, and get on with your life. Jeez. As far as being a journalist is concerned, it’s a fine calling. The search for the truth can be a noble thing, but is being a wage-slave really the best use for superspeed? Supes can fly around the whole planet 7.5 times in a single second. How much truth could he discover if he weren’t wasting time at Daily Planet staff meetings and filling out requisitions for news equipment?
Second, he’s staked out a single city to protect. Sure, maybe it’s the biggest city around (except for perhaps Gotham, we’re not clear on that) but it’s a city, man! One city! He could claim North America without breaking a sweat, and the whole world if he only gave up the stupid day job (see above note about his world traveling speed). And what does he do in Metropolis? For decades, as near as I can tell,  he collared muggers and stopped bank robberies. What about dismantling drug cartels, stopping illegal arms shipments, and bringing down corrupt politicians and corporate executives? Sure, he defends the planet now and again from some extraplanar bad guy, or stops Lex’s mad schemes for world domination, but where is he for the daily stuff?
Put a blue helmet on and join the Peacekeeping Force. It would take him about two seconds (literally) to put a stop to any conflict, no matter how intense. Just a single breath can send a whole regiment of tanks toppling backwards. Irrigate the Saharan Desert. Plant and harvest four quadrillion acres of wheat to feed the world. Gather up all our nuclear waste and toss it in the sun. Use all those Kryptonian secrets of yours to share some otherworldly solutions to industrial pollution. Come on, man, get in the game!
The average person does very little, and is capable of doing very little unless bolstered by wealth or cooperation. Superman does a lot, but is capable of doing everything. Literally everything. Would we admire a billionaire for giving 10 bucks a year to charity? So why think Superman's a hero for putting in such a fractional effort? When you look at the gap between the good Superman could be doing, and the good he actually does, it’s analogous to you or I  becoming serial killers and drug lords.
Verdict? You suck, Superman.

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