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Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm sorry, China!

China has swooped in and hacked Canadian government computers. According to experts, they are likely looking for information about new weapons and resource policies. Though the government was warned as early as 2002 that our computer network is a sieve, no action was undertaken until late 2009. What little was done clearly wasn’t enough to prevent a squad of patriotic, probably under-paid, Chinese hackers from breezing through our systems. We still don’t really know how much they got away with. China denies any responsibility for the attacks. Of course they do. Only terrorists take credit; governments always hide from their actions (something both democracies and communists have in common).
I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Can it be a coincidence that these attacks began in January, shortly after I exposed the Chinese Organ Secret? (See my post on January 24, if you're unfamiliar with my theory.) I did notice that my blog saw a little traffic from the Far East... suspicious indeed. Clearly the Chinese government has been galvanized by my exposé to launch a no-holds-barred assault on our institutions. They hope to bring us down before their secret can be revealed to the world, and most particularly the U.S. Now I see that my anti-American comments in this forum have only helped to seal our doom: without them, perhaps some Americans might have read the truth about China’s plans for world domination before it was too late. But now they know, and we have no chance against the powerhouse that is China.
They won’t dare attempt a nuclear strike, for fear of destroying all of our precious natural resources that they covet. A conventional war means they’ll have to go through the U.S. Navy (still number one in the world) and then fight all those crazy gun-toting Yanks before they can crush us. Not that the U.S. wouldn’t love to see us beaten up, but if China gets us, then America loses out on cheap power and cheap pot, so they’ll be sure to protect us. No, our destruction will have to take a subtler path.
First they’ll stop making anything in the world for a buck, and bring all our Dollar Stores to ruin. How will we live without cheap, lead-lined spatulas and knock-off Hello Kitty notebooks? Our poor (and spendthrift) will rise up in a wave of protest and revolt, surging from town to town like locusts, crashing through doors and windows in search of nearly-free consumer goods. We can’t imagine the looting that will take place. Without a source of bargain-basement goods, even retail giants like Wal-Mart might come tumbling down. All those huge blue stores will just shut their doors forever.
You know what? This might not be so bad after all. Bring it on, China!
(As an aside, I read the comments under the CBC story about the hacking attacks, never able to learn my lesson. However I was rewarded rather than punished this time. One delightful wag had written, “If the hackers are reading this, could you please wipe out my student loan debt? Thanks.” It gave me a chuckle, anyway.)

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